I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
