Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
