so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
