I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
