she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
