And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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