I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
