You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
