Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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