I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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