3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The maid of honor just puked.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
