I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize