i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
