Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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