I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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