did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
