capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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