I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Boobs speak an international language.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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