I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
