Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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