Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
