Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
