Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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