She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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