The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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