what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
pop tarts are not kleenex
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
