how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
