i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
