i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
