well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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