i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
