Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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