I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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