I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
