I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
