she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
