had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
