why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
