I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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