she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
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Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
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They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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