You can't special order awesome
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
