More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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