wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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