i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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