John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
