He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
