I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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