i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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