Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
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I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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