How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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