Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
