Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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