And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
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I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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