theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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