my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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