There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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