It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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