I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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