its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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