batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
