hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
