I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
