Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
